In a recent episode of How I Met Your Mother (by the way if you're not watching this show you should TIVO it) Ted and Marshall said a prayer to the TIVO God.  This is very similar to the DVR prayer that is said in our house on a regular basis when it comes to recording favorite shows like Lost and 24.  It went like this:

Marshall: But just to make sure it records, maybe we should bow our heads and say a quiet prayer to the TiVo gods.
Ted: Almighty TiVo, We thank you for all the gifts you have given us. The power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of god-like. And let's not forget fast-forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, O Magic Box... But if you malfunction and miss the Super Bowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats.
Marshall and Ted: Amen.

Enjoy your day.

Labels: DVR, funny

To the nerdy, W0rld of Warecraft (misspelled on porpoise), teenagers in line in front of us at the local Bullseye Big-box store: Just a hint, condoms and pregnancy tests usually don't go together. They definitely have a cause and effect relationship, but not usually a corollary one. I know (since you look like you're all of seventeen) that you are new to sex, but if you buy one of those items, you probably don’t need the other. I hope you learn that soon, so the need doesn’t arise for the second item. On the plus side, you do provide great entertainment for me and the wife to speculate on your choice of items to purchase. Maybe we should have followed through will Elle's idea of pinching the boy to give you an idea of parenthood is all about. For now I will just wish upon a star that you know the correct order in which to use your purchase.

Labels: general stupidity, PSA

You might be a child of the 80's if:

"Poltergeist" totally freaked you out.
(Girls) You owned a pair of Pixie Boots, generally worn with leg warmers.
Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco were the ultimate gaming systems to own.
Four-square was THE playground game.
Guys: You remember when a guy piercing his ear was radical to the max, but did it anyhow.
If you ever said "I pity the fool".
Once, while spending hours in the arcade, you actually lined up quarters on the top panel of the game -- to "reserve" your spot.
One word: Izod.
Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language. (I'm just a Bill...)
The Dark Crystal is still one of your favorite movies.
You actually know who "Jesse's girl" is.
You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack."
You can, right now, hum to yourself the theme to 'Inspector Gadget'
You could have got away with it if it hadn't been for those meddling kids.
You ever had a Swatch Watch, and a Swatch Guard for it.
You could break dance, or wish you could.
You freaked out a little when you realized you fall into the "26-50" category of most surveys.
You had a crush on one of the Corey's (Haim or Feldman).
You HAD to have your MTV or could remember when MTV actually played videos.
You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.
You have ever called 867-5309.
You just had to have a Trapper Keeper to stay organized at school.
You know who Max Headroom is.
You owned a T-shirt that said, "I shot J. R. " or know someone who did.
You remember and/or owned any of the Care Bear glass collections from Pizza Hut.
You remember Michael Jackson when he was still black.

and last but not least:
Your dream car was either: the A-team van, KITT or The General Lee.

Labels: funny

I hate, yes hate, it when people don't watch where the hell they're going. Not dislike, not get annoyed, HATE it. Ask Elle, she'll tell you. It makes me want to intentionally run into people. I'm 6'4", I doubt that it's going to hurt me, but that little Asian lady that looks behind her while walking forward?

side note: I hate it when people stand right in the middle of the aisle almost as much. If you feel the need to have a conversation, go some place where you won't impede my progress. I'm just trying to get out of the f'ing place before Elle buys another pair of shoes. We now return to our regularly scheduled rant...

I don't care what's on your mind. I know your trying to solve global hunger, cold fusion, or maybe your just trying to figure out how your are going to stuff your Costc0 size ass into that pair of size 4 jeans you-just-bought-but-got-a-really-great-deal-on. I mean I don't care. If you're walking forward, look forward. How hard is that? 'Cause if you run into me, I might just take that hotdog on-a-stick and make you into a jackass-on-a-stick.

Labels: etiquette, rants

 So I've been nominated for a Best of Blog award under the catagory of 'Funniest Blog'.  I was nominated by a 'closely-related blogger to be named later'.  I suppose it's good that at least one person thinks I'm funny.  I'm not sure how all this works, but I suppose it means that I should probably post more often.  You in back, stop snickering.  I am fully aware that I've said that before (and on multiple occasions).  I'm serious, don't make me come back there... Anywho,  nominations close this week and then the voting begins.  Like they say, vote early vote often (hey it worked for Kennedy).  If you don't vote, expect to find a flaming bag of dog poo on your doorstep.  I'm not saying it would be from me, probably just from the flaming-dog-poo fairy.  I hate that bitch.

Labels: nominations, threats

To the stupid lady on the freeway, talking on her cell phone instead of paying attention to her driving: The little dots and lines on the road tell you where the lane is. Just because you pay tax on the whole road doesn't mean that you should drive with the lines in the road under the middle of your car. If you would hang up and pay attention you would probably notice that "lines" that you were driving between were the old ones, because of the construction, or maybe you missed that as well. For further reference, it's common driving practice to use the current lane markers, not just which ever old ones happen to suit your total incompetence. So please, for the rest of us (all those other cars around you? do you even see them in your little world?) learn how to drive. Hang up your phone since you're obviously incapable of doing to two things at once, you know, like thinking and breathing. I for one would appreciate you expending your two brain cells on staying in your lane and not impeding my route of travel. It's common courtesy really. Otherwise, just go crash your car into something (not me, preferably) so that we can be done with you. Thanks.

Labels: driving, rants

Understanding the News- Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country - if they could find the time, and didn't have to leaveSouthern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can geta seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't surethere is a country, or that anyone is running it; but if so, theyoppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions: if the leadersare handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist, dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. And, finally, our country is run by someone who doesn't read a newspaper at all..

Labels: funny